But I must go, you know, whether I like it or not; and I had better go where I can take with me some advantage of your influence, than where I should lose it altogether. Don′t you see?′
′Yes, Tom.′
The answer was so long in coming, though there was no indecision in it, that Tom went and leaned on the back of her chair, to contemplate the fire which so engrossed her, from her point of view, and see what he could make of it.
′Except that it is a fire,′ said Tom, ′it looks to me as stupid and blank as everything else looks. What do you see in it? Not a circus?′
′I don′t see anything in it, Tom, particularly. But since I have been looking at it, I have been wondering about you and me, grown up.′
′Wondering again!′ said Tom.
′I have such unmanageable thoughts,′ returned his sister, ′that they will wonder.′
′Then I beg of you, Louisa,′ said Mrs. Gradgrind, who had opened the door without being heard, ′to do nothing of that description, for goodness′ sake, you inconsiderate girl, or I shall never hear the last of it from your father. And, Thomas, it is really shameful, with my poor head continually wearing me out, that a boy brought up as you have been, and whose education has cost what yours has, should be found encouraging his sister to wonder, when he knows his father has expressly said that she is not to do it.′
Louisa denied Tom′s participation in the offence; but her mother stopped her with the conclusive answer, ′Louisa, don′t tell me, in my state of health; for unless you had been encouraged, it is morally and physically impossible that you could have done it.′
′I was encouraged by nothing, mother, but by looking at the red sparks dropping out of the fire, and whitening and dying. It made me think, after all, how short my life would be, and how little I could hope to do in it.′
′Nonsense!′ said Mrs. Gradgrind, rendered almost energetic. ′Nonsense! Don′t stand there and tell me such stuff, Louisa, to my face, when you know very well that if it was ever to reach your father′s ears I should never hear the last of it. After all the trouble that has been taken with you! After the lectures you have attended, and the experiments you have seen! After I have heard you myself, when the whole of my right side has been benumbed, going on with your master about combustion, and calcination, and calorification, and I may say every kind of ation that could drive a poor invalid distracted, to hear you talking in this absurd way about sparks and ashes! I wish,′ whimpered Mrs. Gradgrind, taking a chair, and discharging her strongest point before succumbing under these mere shadows of facts, ′yes, I really do wish that I had never had a family, and then you would have known what it was to do without me!′
CHAPTER IX - SISSY′S PROGRESS
SISSY JUPE had not an easy time of it, between Mr. M′Choakumchild and Mrs. Gradgrind, and was not without strong impulses, in the first months of her probation, to run away. It hailed facts all day long so very hard, and life in general was opened to her as such a closely ruled ciphering-book, that assuredly she would have run away, but for only one restraint.
It is lamentable to think of; but this restraint was the result of no arithmetical process, was self-imposed in defiance of all calculation, and went dead against any table of probabilities that any Actuary would have drawn up from the premises.
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