Whiffler, in an impressive manner, ′will you cement and consolidate our friendship by coming into the family (so to speak) as a godfather?′ ′I shall be proud and delighted,′ replies Mr. Saunders: ′which of the children is it? really, I thought they were all christened; or—′ ′Saunders,′ Mr. Whiffler interposes, ′they ARE all christened; you are right. The fact is, that Mrs. Whiffler is—in short, we expect another.′ ′Not a ninth!′ cries the friend, all aghast at the idea. ′Yes, Saunders,′ rejoins Mr. Whiffler, solemnly, ′a ninth. Did we drink Mrs. Whiffler′s health? Let us drink it again, Saunders, and wish her well over it!′
Doctor Johnson used to tell a story of a man who had but one idea, which was a wrong one. The couple who dote upon their children are in the same predicament: at home or abroad, at all times, and in all places, their thoughts are bound up in this one subject, and have no sphere beyond. They relate the clever things their offspring say or do, and weary every company with their prolixity and absurdity. Mr. Whiffler takes a friend by the button at a street corner on a windy day to tell him a bon mot of his youngest boy′s; and Mrs. Whiffler, calling to see a sick acquaintance, entertains her with a cheerful account of all her own past sufferings and present expectations. In such cases the sins of the fathers indeed descend upon the children; for people soon come to regard them as predestined little bores. The couple who dote upon their children cannot be said to be actuated by a general love for these engaging little people (which would be a great excuse); for they are apt to underrate and entertain a jealousy of any children but their own. If they examined their own hearts, they would, perhaps, find at the bottom of all this, more self-love and egotism than they think of. Self-love and egotism are bad qualities, of which the unrestrained exhibition, though it may be sometimes amusing, never fails to be wearisome and unpleasant. Couples who dote upon their children, therefore, are best avoided.
THE COOL COUPLE
There is an old-fashioned weather-glass representing a house with two doorways, in one of which is the figure of a gentleman, in the other the figure of a lady. When the weather is to be fine the lady comes out and the gentleman goes in; when wet, the gentleman comes out and the lady goes in. They never seek each other′s society, are never elevated and depressed by the same cause, and have nothing in common. They are the model of a cool couple, except that there is something of politeness and consideration about the behaviour of the gentleman in the weather-glass, in which, neither of the cool couple can be said to participate.
The cool couple are seldom alone together, and when they are, nothing can exceed their apathy and dulness: the gentleman being for the most part drowsy, and the lady silent. If they enter into conversation, it is usually of an ironical or recriminatory nature. Thus, when the gentleman has indulged in a very long yawn and settled himself more snugly in his easy-chair, the lady will perhaps remark, ′Well, I am sure, Charles! I hope you′re comfortable.′ To which the gentleman replies, ′Oh yes, he′s quite comfortable quite.′ ′There are not many married men, I hope,′ returns the lady, ′who seek comfort in such selfish gratifications as you do.′ ′Nor many wives who seek comfort in such selfish gratifications as YOU do, I hope,′ retorts the gentleman. ′Whose fault is that?′ demands the lady.
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